Secrets & Lies

Sometimes I am completely thrown by the revelation that other people are in fact real human beings. Allow me to elucidate.

You see, there are days when I come close to being convinced that my life is some unpleasant and sadistic version of the Truman Show - actually when the film came out my tiny pre-teen brain had a few moments of wondering whether this was actually a hint and the audience was waiting with baited breath to see if I'd figure it out. In the words of Jim Carrey himself, "madness is never that far away", particularly when you have an over-active imagination and too much free time, as I unquestionably did and still do.

But, yes, returning to now, before I make any more embarrassing confessions. In recent years a friend paused before asking me, "Do you ever feel a bit like you're in The Truman Show?"

Hug me, kindred spirit!

It seems that she, too, had harboured this suspicion after many a day when everyone seems to be watching you and waiting for you to screw up.

All of us have experienced this kind of thing at least a few times in our lives, I think - we all think and do things that we won't necessarily admit to the people we know, but occasionally someone else will mention that they, too, pretend to be receiving a text in order to cover up stopping to rest halfway up a steep hill, or have the strong urge to look at their girlfriend's inbox when she leaves the Hotmail window open, and I think it's these moments more than anything else that makes us connect as human beings.

That's why comedians who bring these topics into their routine are so well received: everyone loves that moment when they can think, Other people do that, too! It's not weird!

So, in the spirit of openness, here are some of the things I wouldn't normally own up to:

-I pretend to be checking my phone so I can stop and rest my funny knee

-During every card transaction in a shop, I become convinced that the shopkeeper will think my card is stolen if the PIN confirmation takes the slightest bit too long to go through

-I object to judging people on their appearance but still wish people thought I was pretty

-I have restrained myself on multiple occasions from reading other people's emails, and feel proud of myself for not doing so despite knowing that doing so is akin to being proud of yourself for having not shoplifted

-If someone is staring at me, I have to sneak off to find a reflective surface to check if I have something on my face

-I sometimes resent people solely because they can do something I can't, then feel horrible for thinking that and try to make up for it by being extremely nice to/ about them

-When I catch myself thinking something bitchy, I wonder if the person I'm thinking about can hear me. Also I sometimes wonder if maybe everyone can hear my thoughts and I'm the only person in the room who can't also hear theirs

Those are a few of the most frequent ones. I've tried to list only a few for fear of appearing completely neurotic. I hope you've spotted one or two you're also guilty of, otherwise this is going to be embarrassing!

So, my point is, everyone feels alone sometimes, everyone wonders if they're not a bit barmy, everyone has the odd embarrassing daydream they'd rather not admit to: maybe it's time to be a bit less afraid of what people will think and test the waters, to discover what secrets we have in common? I'm not saying you should grab a stranger and announce that you have always found bald men strangely attractive, but it won't hurt to admit it to your friends.

Viewing Houses

Particularly poignant at this juncture in my life, attempting to find somewhere to live next year:



Had a viewing of a house today, or rather two houses near one another under the same landlords. Seemed nice enough places, despite the current tenants' underwear all over the place and the fact that when we arrived we were soaking wet from this sudden onslaught of rain we seem to be experiencing. Rent is £55 a week including bills, which is pretty good.

As long as I get to live indoors: